It’s Cascade Crest weekend, which means it’s been almost exactly 4 years since I ran 100 miles around Snoqualmie Pass.

When I did Cascade Crest, I didn’t really know what it was all about. Afterwards, of course I felt a huge sense of accomplishment, but I also felt selfish for partaking in an activity that required so much support from others, and I didn’t quite know what it all meant. Why even try to run 100 miles?

In the years since, in difficult situations — work, Sam’s early days, even hard workouts at OrangeTheory — I found myself referencing Cascade Crest in my mind, as a tangible example of my toughness. If I can do that, then I can do this. I’ve also referenced it as an example of how I react under stress. I cry! I become prickly and silent. Now I can more quickly recognize when I’m in such a state, and I can adjust accordingly.

Since I’ve been on this momo twin journey, it feels like my history of long-distance endurance training was all in preparation for something greater. It’s starting to make sense.

I’m sure there are other ways to gain such skills, but I think the best part about ultrarunning (and other endurance sports too) is that it teaches you how to endure in a relatively short period of time. It teaches you how to respond, both emotionally and tactically, to a difficult situation. It teaches you how to keep going, with your eye focused steadily on the goal, even when you really don’t want to. It gives you a different perspective on what joy means. It is often through enduring difficult things that we find the greatest joy and resolve.

It’s not just the resolve we feel at the end of a difficult accomplishment, but also the little joys that we experience throughout. In ultrarunning, you learn this mile by mile. This mile I see a great view, which is awesome! This mile, I feel great, which is also awesome, even if it doesn’t last. Ultrarunning teaches you how to find gratitude throughout the journey, because if you don’t, it’s gonna be a long day. Ultrarunning teaches you that it’s possible to enjoy the current good moment, even if you know that harder ones are on the horizon. Since I’ve been inpatient, I’ve also regularly practiced using an ultra-mindset. I take it day by day. Monitoring session by monitoring session. I find little things to look forward to, like a Diet Coke in the afternoon. I also find bigger things to look forward to, like visitors and important developmental milestones. I see other women in the same situation who are afraid to be excited because of all the uncertainty that lies ahead. You can still celebrate the little wins and feel excited in a given moment, even if the journey ahead feels long and uncertain.

With less than 3 weeks of inpatient life to go, I am actually starting to feel a bit sad that this phase of the journey will be ending. Sure, a lot of things suck about living in a hospital, but I’ve grown to appreciate this relatively simple and quiet time in my life. Especially knowing what is coming once I get out.

One of my best weapons in ultrarunning was community. I was lucky to stumble upon the High Heel Running Group at just the right time. I’ve shared many mountain adventures with friends from that group, and I wouldn’t have accomplished nearly as much without them, nor would I have had nearly as much fun. I see other women going through this pregnancy in silence because they are afraid to tell others in case something goes wrong. In the same way that you could run 100 miles alone, you could go through this momo journey alone. But both are MUCH better with the support of others. Maybe you feel selfish for asking because you don’t really need it. But accepting help allows you to build deeper relationships and a true sense of community. It does take a village, and usually you have to build the village.

I do question the chicken vs egg here. Do we choose activities like ultrarunning so we can hone our skills at enduring hard things? Or do these activities choose us because we have a natural desire to test ourselves? I think it’s a bit of both. Initially, I did endurance sports as a way to work through trauma, and I’ve certainly met many people throughout the endurance community who fall into that bucket. But once I worked through a lot of that stuff, my reason for doing endurance sports shifted from one of battling demons to one of practicing patience, gratitude, and acceptance. I always thought that training was a way to prepare for a goal, but it turns out that ultrarunning is training for harder things in life. I’m grateful that I got those mini lessons in patience, gratitude, and acceptance through ultrarunning prior to coming in here. I would be a total mess without them.