Last week, Margo had her newborn visit at the pediatrician. This week, she had her 2 month visit and shots.
I’ve struggled with how to answer when someone asks me how old my babies are. They are 41 weeks gestational age but 2 months actual. Margo looks like she’s about 2 weeks old, so when I say “2 months,” I get a funny look. At the grocery store the other day, I said “a few weeks” 🤷♀️. However I’ve decided to start saying “she’s 2 months but was born early.” My babies fought hard for their first two months of life, and they deserve to be recognized for that!
Last week, the NICU dressed babies in baby clothes and those beach ball bunny blankets that have been around for at least 30 years. This week, they switched to dressing them in fleece wearable swaddle blankets and white shirts with no bottom. I miss the cute clothes, and I think the swaddle blanket often makes Annalee too hot. She’s always too hot to even wear one of the white shirts. But they say loose blankets like the beach ball bunny ones aren’t safe, and the new clothing system is better for promoting kangaroo care. I’m pretty sure nothing is safe anymore when it comes to babies. No non-Velcro swaddle blankets. No rock n plays. No inclines. It makes you wonder if we know anything about anything.
Last week felt exciting and different, since we got to bring Margo home. This week again feels like a slow form of torture, with some mom guilt mixed in. Am I spending enough time with Annalee? Did we do enough kangaroo care? Did we make the right decisions? Are we advocating for her enough? Will I feel like I had enough time with Annalee before I have to go back to work in late January? Will we ever get our of here? It’s November. Ugggggh
Annalee seems to be progressing finally, but it’s hard to tell if that’s just my relentless sense of “let’s get the f out of here.” She was limited to 20ml per feeding for several days but then was finally able to advance to 30, and then 40. Her full feed is 70 so she’s getting there. I thought maybe she’d make a big jump today — her quality of feeding was looking so much better, but her 2 month shots threw her off. She’s been extra sleepy, so they are giving her another day at 40 before they try to take the cap off.
The annoying thing about this is that the microscope is on Annalee. They watch each feeding so carefully. Does she squeak? Does she look disengaged? Should we cut her off? Meanwhile, Margo is free of wires and tubes, and we have no choice but to feed her. She sometimes squeaks just as much. When that happens, we try to give her more breaks or sometimes we stop a feeding entirely, but ultimately we have to just keep going and tolerate the squeaks because she has to eat. In contrast to Margo, it feels like they are being a little to careful with Annalee. I wish I could just rip out Annalee’s feeding tube, switch her to on demand feeding, and see what happens. But I’m not that bold. And maybe there is some value in being gradual with her. She’s definitely not quite the same as her sister. But she’s also still definitely being over fed. Margo just exceeded 8 lbs and Annalee is pushing 9. That doesn’t sound like a lot but when you hold them both, Annalee feels HEAVY!
Meanwhile, my body is a mess! It turns out that living in the hospital and not lifting anything for so long has negative impacts when you do start to lift a 40 lb toddler and some 8lb babies. I started physical therapy this week. My back has been in so much pain that I could barely lift Margo or my breast pump earlier this week.
So far, Sam is doing well with the transition and seems to like Margo. He thinks it’s funny that she’s always curled up, and he also thinks it’s interesting that she doesn’t have any teeth. He seems to be rejecting me more than normal. The other day, he told me “Go away! You’re a bad guy.” I assume this is just part of his process so I try to go along with it. I tried to earn some cool points by carving a pumpkin with him the other day. I think I got a few. I’ll never be as cool as dad, though, who Sam sometimes refers to as “Hey Erin!”
