This phase of the NICU feels like a long walk back to the car. I just went on a long international trip, and I’m back in the parking garage at the airport. But I can’t remember exactly where I parked. Maybe it’s this row here. Nope. Okay maybe the next row. Once I see my car, I know I’ll be in it and on my way home within minutes, but I don’t see it yet. It’s here somewhere, just a few rows away, but I don’t know where. I just want to get into my car so I can finally have control over my transportation after being at the mercy of the airlines for so long. Ugggg.

That’s how I feel, constantly. An overwhelming sense of “ugg can we just get on with it already?” We’ll all go home sometime in the next 2 weeks…probably. I thought maybe it would be this week, but no. That’s unlikely. So maybe next week.

Our due date is Halloween, and in my mind, I was always so confident that they would be home well before then. Of course some babies stay until their due dates, but not mine! Mine are tough. They’ll be out of the NICU in no time, I thought.

Not true. After a few days of “wandering around in the airport parking garage, wondering what floor we are supposed to be on,” I sucked up my courage and asked the nurse practitioner if she thought we’d be home by Halloween. She said “maybe one of them. You don’t want them both at the same time anyway.”

After 53 days of inpatient and now over 40 in the NICU, yes, I am pretty sure I want them both at the same time. I just want to be out of here. But that’s not up to me. It’s up to the babies. If they are ready at the same time, they will come home together. But often times that isn’t the case. Currently, Margo seems to be doing a little better. She finished two full bottles while I was there yesterday and another one over night. Annalee didn’t finish any. But we still have more days to go before anyone can go home.

I got them Halloween costumes. It wasn’t in my mental model to have one baby wearing a costume in the NICU while the other is wearing one at home. I would rather they both wear them in the same place, ideally at home but also ideally together.

Now that I know what I know, I wish we had changed the due date like we had discussed very early on. Then we would have a few weeks until our due date and it would feel like we are ahead of the game. The moments are just dragging by as we tick closer towards our due date. Inching along. Ug.

By the way, there’s nothing really stopping both of them from being ready by Halloween. They just have to get their acts together.

Today I made up a chant. Suck suck swallow breathe! Master it so we can leave! Suck suck swallow breathe! Who will be the first to leave?

People like to tell me “at least you get to rest” since the babies are in the NICU. Yes I suppose this is partially true, but life right now is not restful. I wake up multiple times a night to pump, which is tiring, but beyond that, I’m exhausted from the stress that I’ve been carrying around for so long. I don’t notice the fatigue on a day-to-day basis because my days are pretty simple, but I do notice it if I deviate from the routine. Social outings feel exhausting. I feel awkward and like I’m not making any sense, not connecting with people, not asking the right questions. Because I just can’t. I feel like I can’t focus on anything other than wondering when we’ll get out of here. It’s like I’m waiting for my life to start. Waiting waiting waiting for something really hard to begin. Let’s just get going already.

Sam is lucky that he doesn’t have the ability to worry about the future. Sometimes I try to channel his approach to all of this. He knows he has “little baby sisters” who will come home soon, but he doesn’t know what that means (except that maybe he can use it as an excuse to trick me into buying him more cherry picker trucks. “Can we get one for my little baby sisters?” Nice try!) Similarly, his best friend moved away this weekend, and it’s now day 2 at daycare without his BFF. But it hasn’t sunk in yet, so he doesn’t really mind. It must be nice to not borrow any worry for the future. It’s probably going to really suck for him when these changes do sink in, but for now, at least he isn’t wasting energy worrying about them.